As most of you know I (pretty) diligently put up a blog post every Sunday or Monday. This past week I didn’t. This isn’t because I was feeling lazy, or had something better to do or was just plain busy, it was because my little world was completely shattered on Friday night when my boyfriend was mugged and as a result fractured his foot and completely smashed his heel (not to mention acquired a few nasty grazes and bruises too!). It happened at a park near our house whilst he was walking home from work. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the panicked phone call he made to me asking me to come find him. My heart dropped into my stomach and I felt sick at the thought of him being alone and in pain.
Once he was in hospital I began to deteriorate. My anxiety has been lurking in the background for a long time and I think the emotionally stressful and taxing event of my boyfriend being attacked gave it an open door to waltz in through my brain and completely wreak havoc. I had 5 panic attacks over three days and I turned into a complete dick. It was incredibly strange; I knew things weren’t as bad as I thought they were, and I knew everything was going to be ok but I couldn’t shake the insidious anxious voice in my head telling me everything was awful and to push everyone away because they were out to hurt me. I convinced myself that my boyfriend had broken his foot to get away from me, I told myself he was in love with someone else, I even conjured up the idea he’d injured himself to ruin my week. It was utterly absurd. But, as horrible as this whole experience has been, it made a couple of things incredibly clear.
The first and most important thing I realised was that I need help. When I am mentally unwell and letting my life be dictated by anxiety I am not resilient and I am not the strong and supportive partner that I so desperately want to be. It also means that I suffer more than necessary when stressful situations arise. It’s exhausting and it’s not fair on me or those around me to live this way. I deserve better. I have just stepped out of my first therapy session in over two years and have sat in a nearby café having a fresh orange juice and trying to give myself some credit and a metaphorical pat on the back for taking charge and steering myself onto a path that will give me the space to get better.
The other thing I realised is that I am so lucky and rich in the relationships I have formed. My network of friends here in London are some of the most incredible, empathetic and kind people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. They are absolutely glorious. I am also forever indebted to the sheer amazingness of my boyfriend. Life has been hard for me, and he has remained by my side throughout every difficult episode. We are both active in our relationship, forever working to make it better and comfier and lovelier. I am so proud of what we have created and I am genuinely excited for the future.
Relationships lay the foundation for the happiness in my life. I have beautiful and trustworthy friendships here in London. Only so much can go wrong from here….